They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
