but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
