i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
