Buhtt sex?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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