I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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