She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
