I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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