I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
