Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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