sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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