i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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