I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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