piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
