Please, let me fuck your mom
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
