Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Your penis caused this!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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