Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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