: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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