Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
