I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
