i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
