At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
