I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
