Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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