It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
