Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
