why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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