70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
