11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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