Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
