you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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