I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
