Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just gargled with NyQuil
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
