Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
