As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
