Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
