i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
