People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
