i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
