A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well I just put wine in my tea
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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