Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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