I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
