I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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