so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
