I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
