I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
