I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So squirting runs in the family.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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