my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
