She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
