I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
