I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I skipped work to stalk him.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
